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'." My first date is Monica Shes 28 shy and has fingers weighed down by silver rings She still lives with her parents and has two children of her own one ten the other eight months She works in a government call centre and enjoys cycling and pop music Like Yvonne she doesnt approve of Colombian men because they consider it normal to have seven girlfriends She joined the agency two years ago because she wants a better life for her children Shed be willing to leave the country if she met the right man And thats when it begins A silence so thick its as if a silo of custard has been emptied into the room My brain is entirely empty Here follows an excerpt of the exchange between Monica and myself via todays interpreter (a moonlighting freight company executive named Linda) that dragged itself agonisingly through 45 minutes Me: What does your son want to be when he grows up Monica: A footballer or an architect Me: An architect Thats great Where did he get that idea Monica: My cousin is an architect Me: What does your cousin design Houses Offices Monica: Buildings [Long itchy silence]Me: Do you like animals Monica: Yes I like animals Do you like animals Me: Yes What animals do you like Monica: Cats What animals do you like Me: Dogs [Longer itchier silence]Me: What food do you like Monica: Beans Me: Beans Monica: Have you ever eaten beans Me: No There are three more interviews after Monica None of them are any easier The monotony is only broken by the days final candidate who arrives blushing and grinning direct from the lunatic asylum She works there she tells us testing psychiatric medication on schizophrenics and people with "narcotic psychosis" But thats not the thing thats most remarkable about Laura What Ill never forget about Laura is her appearance When booking a Romance Tour applicants are required to select 25 women from an online catalogue After noting down the numbers of the first 10 or 15 you run out of attractive ones What happens then you start feeling a bit sorry for some of the candidates Without really thinking all that much about it you begin to make sympathy votes Laura is a sympathy vote She says shes 27 but she looks 45 At least three of her teeth are the wrong colour Her chin has the unfortunate appearance of ending around two inches in front her nose She says shes been with the agency for five years and has never been picked before Then she tells me I have beautiful eyes "What kind of men do you like" I ask "Men with your frame and hair" "What if your sons dont like me" "That wont be a problem" By now Lauras leaning towards me her elbows on the arm of her chair Shes staring at me intensely with her violently painted face "Would you be willing to leave Colombia" I ask dubiously "Id be willing to move anywhere except Panama Ecuador or Cuba" "But I live on the other side of the world" "Id move anywhere if its love" Theres a gap of two hours between Lauras departure and tonights main event: a dinner in a restaurant with five of my selections As todays translators been booked for the whole day and her clock is still running I ask her to take me "somewhere brilliant in Medellin" Twenty minutes later were pulling into a shopping mall Linda shows me around proudly pointing out the potted shrubs the sofa areas and the Dunkin Donuts concession We settle with orange juices in a Wi-Fi Zone She tells me that all of the women in the agencys books count as middle class earning around the standard national wage is $740 a month so even the moderately wealthy western clients count for them as rich beyond hope I ask her about some of her memorable interviews "I had this one Spanish guy" she says "He was in computers Every girl he meets he asks I am a sexual addict I need intercourse once a day Can you provide this They all said no I also had a very fat pilot from American Airlines Every girl he meets he says I have finally found you The search is over You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen But nobody wanted him At the end of his tour he took me to dinner and said to me I have finally found you The search is over Youre the most beautiful girl Ive ever seen But the creepiest was a man from Ukraine He lived in the basement of his parents house had red hair and a high pitched voice and said God told him to come to Colombia to find a wife I asked him Did God tell you in a prayer. a massive slash bleeding gold from the dark earth,